"What's the world for you if you can't make it up the way you want."

-Jazz, Toni Morrison

Something About Coffee

Something About Coffee

Ok, how are Nicaraguans so much better at making coffee than everyone else in the world? They’ve got to be cheating somehow, there's some trick to it. Either that or all the Columbians and Ethiopians are just really stupid when it comes to planting things. How are the beans better in Nicaragua than Costa Rica or Honduras just miles away, or one of the millions of African countries (there are 54)? 

That's my favorite thing about Africa, they have so many varying nations and languages and cultures all jammed into one continent. My second favorite thing, tied with Black Panther, is of course, cannibalism. I can't imagine how hard that must be for them. It takes a lot of guts to stick to your convictions in this modern world, with so many people telling you you're wrong. I wish we could have the freedom in America to let someone identify as a cannibal if they want to be one. America is still way too conservative. 

We're even the ones that came up with the phrase, "You are what you eat." All Africans are doing is carrying out the phrase to the natural conclusion. The first people to think rationally probably looked at other people and thought, "They look exactly like me. Eating them would probably give me the exact nutrients I need to survive." 

This is logical. What I want to know is who thought of eating the first vegetable, or the first fish and why they would eat that rather than a perfectly good-looking human. 

Of course, When I racistly refer to "Africans," what I really mean is, "Certain tribes of the African Congo." Saying they're cannibals is just a true statement: not racist. Maybe we should call them, "People who identify themselves as people that eat other people," but that still doesn't seem fair to a lot of the "cannibals." We should include a separate category for the people who only sometimes eat people, but usually don't. Then I'm sure there are those who have come clean from eating people but still enjoy a grilled ear or tricep on special occasions.  

The point is cannibals are people just like you, so stop making them out to be so uncivilized just because they aren't vegetarian like you. Humans are probably the most nutritious things they have to eat.  

Now to clarify, I don't condone all shapes and sizes of cannibalism. In fact, there are some that I outright don't like. For instance, there are people in Africa called the Pigmies who are very much shorter than the surrounding people groups. For some reason, some taller African tribes decided that meant they were supposed to be eaten. Some even hunt the Pigmies for sport. Apparently, tribes from Uganda, Ituri, and all over the Congo, plus rebel soldier Mayi-Mayis, all agree that the Pigmies are food. The poor Pigmies are eaten by almost everyone, while they themselves are also cannibals. They do cannibalism right, though, as far as I'm concerned: only eating members of their own tribes, always cooking well-done, eating all parts of the body and not just the scrumptious genitals and outer thighs (like some Mayi-Mayis).  

If there are any Ituris or other members of the cannibal community reading this, please stop hunting and eating Pigmies. Pick on someone your own size. I know food is scarce, but you always have each other to...depend on.  

There are many theories about why the Pigmies are so short. Evolution must have forgotten about the Pigmies, or they just evolved from lemurs instead of apes. In that case, they're doing great. Their genes must be a bit rebellious, or at least hipsterish. They don't want this popular DNA that only adapts to assist its host. DNA can do whatever it wants.  

Many humans actually believe that African genes, in general, are less advanced than other continents. I personally believe the opposite is true, other than the Pigmies, sorry Pigmies, there’s just no advantage to being short.  

So, joking aside, in 1904 Germany actually almost succeeded in performing a complete genocide of the Herero and Namaqua peoples, complete with concentration camps and inhumane experiments. Soldiers were colonizing this area of South Africa and found the locals to be less evolved than they were. Most Germans and even the western world agreed with this idea of genetic supremacy. The leading thought at the time was that if the less civilized humans were to be eradicated, what's left of humanity would evolve quicker.  

I wish the founder of this horrible idea was also a Nazi, but in reality it was Sir Charles Darwin. He predicted that events like this would happen, if not encouraged them, in the future, because of human natural selection. It was part of his theory of evolution.  

You mean the theory that we all agree is a fact without question today? Yes, that theory. But at least Charles doesn't eat Pigmies. 

The real point is, drink Nicaraguan coffee. It's really good.

Joshua Kepfer is a 22-year-old from Auburn, California. He lives with his family, including a cat and a dog. He mainly writes music and short stories in his spare time.

Photo by Matt Hoffman on Unsplash

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