"What's the world for you if you can't make it up the way you want."

-Jazz, Toni Morrison


Why I Iron

Why I Iron

I loved ironing. It was my meditation. My church. My tradition. You at a computer on the green sofa. Me with a wireless headphone. Watching the Sunday morning show on CBS. Dancing around the ironing board. Playing with the iron. Stroking your shirts. As if they are your body and the iron is my hand. Smoothing wrinkles. Bringing order. Pouring my love through the spitting and snorting nose of the iron. I imagined that when you wear the shirts, you would feel my love, and draw-in the energy to help you through the office days, of writing depositions, arguments, and holding your own at court. 

I wanted you to feel loved, worthy, dazzling, beautiful, and powerful. I hope you did. 

I still love ironing. The colorful cotton Kurtas from India. The fly-away pants hand-made by Indonesian artists. The one I wear to 5 rhythms dancing. A red Peruvian t-shirt that caught my eyes at an airport from the Amazons to Cusco. With a hummingbird. 

There was a long time in between that I did not iron. I chose to wear wrinkled and ugly clothes rather than touching the iron that once represented a channel of my love. I believed that the ironed shirts somehow brought you closer to the one you met at the office. I worried that it made you more attractive, approachable, smooth to her seductions. I wondered if I brought this to myself. By giving so much of myself to you, I ironed a path to my own abandonment, like a giant road roller.

I swore that I will never iron another shirt for a man. I declared to all my friends so. Then I stopped ironing for myself. 

Years later, I am back to ironing. Not every Sunday, but some Sundays. Not every garment but some garments. While ironing, I ask for a blessing. From the fountain of love that exists, beyond the stingy steel of the iron. 

May I be generous enough to offer my love without wanting anything in return. May I give myself what I needed from others and gave to others. May I dance with my own sexiness. May I smooth my own wrinkles. May I feel my own dazzlingly beautiful authentic colors wherever I am. While crunching numbers at the office. While walking in the woods singing with the birds. While sitting quietly bathing in my tears. May I iron shirts for a worthy man one day. With all the love I have, even if I am afraid to lose him. 

There is no such thing as “too much loving”. There is no “irresistibly perfect ironed shirt”. There is no “self-paved road to aloneness”. There is an abundant love wanting to flow. There is a channel that opens, closes, and opens again. 


Uranbileg Batjargal is a poet, economist, a business systems officer, and a CPA who makes a living by managing budgets and performance reporting and applying data governance strategy and principles. Uranbileg is studying to be a meditation teacher and a practitioner of healing arts.

Cover photo by Filip Mroz on Unsplash

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